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Do you ever feel like such a garbage human that you intentionally stop brushing your teeth for three days to punish yourself so that the pain you feel on the inside becomes a physical pain that you can smell... on the outside? Cool, cool. Me neither. Yikes. That’d be gross.

As my medi-cal dentist recently warned me, “That black spot on the x-ray might be mouth cancer or it might not. These machines are old. Just keep brushing your teeth to be safe.”

Turns out, I don’t have cancer! But I do have a very underfunded doctor.

Hi! My names Stevie Wain and I’m so jazzed to be gay! I can’t go to a Starbucks without the barista saying, “One vanilla chai for the ‘newly proclaimed lesbian?’” and there I am, rainbow flags waving.

I grew up with Pennsylvania Jesus in a very small conservative town with one freshly out of the gay closet mom and one divorced bitter dad. Let’s just say… I can’t stop talking about it. I’m a comedian, screenwriter and actress who runs her own comedy show in Los Angeles called, “That’s So Gay!” which features the best up and coming LGBT comedians.

Highlights of my comedy career have been opening for Bob Saget, Alonzo Bodden, headlining at Penn State University, The Comedy Palace, San Francisco Pride, Punchline Philly, and featuring at The Comedy Store, The Improv, The Ice House, and Helium comedy club.

Lowlights include my father trying to convince me to be a teacher for the guaranteed health insurance. And to that I say, “My dentist’s x-ray machines are broken, don’t worry!”

I’ve written two original TV pilots, one about a newly out lesbian comedian (Hi!) trying to make it in LA while still living with her ex-boyfriend. Think lesbian Will & Grace. And the other about an Amish woman who ends up working at a gay bar in Pennsylvania. Think queer Cheers. I generally write and talk about what it’s like to become your most authentic self because it’s a journey I’ve struggled with for most of my life.

I’m just so excited to be able to go up to my middle school bullies who called me a faggot everyday on the bus and finally say to them, “You were right!”

Jokes aside, we all know that it takes a village and I just want to apologize for trying to burn that village down. Hopefully your homeowners insurance is better than my healthcare plan.

I hope to see you at a show! Until then, I’ll be in line at a clinic.

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